Day 10- long

I know I keep saying I'll edit the post and I don't but that's because I'm still VERY lazy. Sorry guys I'll work on that. I don't know if I write this blog more for the people I think read it or more for me. I write these messages now as more of a recap, a reassurance that what I was going through is real. It makes it seem saner and less hectic on paper.

Today was especially awful. I got into a fight with my mom and reopened the cut on my wrist. I have simple pattern on the inside of my left wrist I trace over and over. I also write words in my skin. I don’t think I could do it without the sense of completion that comes after writing the word or retracing the symbol. It would be too easy for me to keep going. My skin sometimes seems to beg to be split open. I have such an urge for it. It always happens in the worst of times.

When I pull off my covers I wander, who cares? Who would care if I cut myself? I thought about this for awhile. Ran through each person I knew imagining how they would react to the news. I came to a realization that nobody knows me well enough to actually be surprised by the news. I realized I had pushed away the last person I trusted, K. I guess that is good. I’m alone now. I have no one else. It’s an interesting feeling. It feels like I’m set free. No one will pay for my actions. No one’s life will be ruined if mine ended. It’s liberating. I feel less scared. I have nothing lose and everything to gain.

I feel like I need to start working again. I have taken a long enough break so the fallowing post will be the new schedule for this week. I’ll have a week of vacation tell I start strong. Today I’m fasting and so far so good. I have done a detox bath and I am feeling better than normal but it is hard for me to keep refusing people to go places.