want someone to talk to

I want someone who I could break down and cry in front of. I feel so fat so stupid so worthless. I can't even understand why. I feel so bad about myself it isn't funny I think I'll let the knife take some of the worries out for me. I feel so stupid so alone so ungly and useless. I want to cry

Day 12

Hey guys I'm osrry I haven't written here for a little bit. I just had to step back from this. I just hung out with friends for the past 4 days. It has been great. I know I haven''t gone any closer to my goal and I haven't checked the scale yet but I'm pretty sure I moved backwards. well I have a graduation to go to today.  I wish I could get out of it. I also have a captain's  practice for cheer on Friday. I also have a date. I'm a little bit nervous because it's summer and I have to wear tight or no clothes. I still very FAT FAT FAT. Ugh I hate my thighs. Sorry had a little bit of a break down there anyway it's a fast for me today! YAy I'm going to check my weight right now I'll be back. 138.8 OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS FOUR DAYS OF RELAXING AND I AM UP 4 F****** POUNDS!! OH GOD O NEED TO GET ON THE TREADMILL NOW.

Day 11

Hey guys guess what! I met my first gw today. yep this mornng I weighed myself and I was 134.4! Isn't that great. Well I have 150 calories today so I'm thinking of having a banana or making banana bread. Lets see if I can find  a low cal one! Ooh I get my ring today! Yay!!!! Here is the recipe I can have half a slice for breakfast lunch and dinner I might subsitute something in for the sugar and use oatmeal unstead of whole wheat flour. 

* 1/4 cup sugar
* 2 Tbsp butter, softened
* 1 large egg, beaten
* 1/4 cup unsweetened applesauce (a generous 1/4 cup)
* 1 cup ripe bananas, mashed (3 small)
* 3/4 cup all-purpose flour
* 1/2 cup whole wheat flour
* 1/2 tsp baking soda
* 1/4 tsp salt

Preparation:

1. Preheat oven to 350°.
2. In a large mixing bowl, combine softened butter and sugar, and beat with a mixer at medium speed, about 3 minutes or until well combined. Add the egg and applesauce, and beat another 2 minutes. Fold in the bananas.
3. Lightly spoon the all-purpose flour and whole wheat flour into dry measuring cups, and level with a knife. Combine the two flours, baking soda, and salt in a separate large bowl.
4. Add the flour mixture to the banana mixture, 1/2 cup at a time, mixing after each addition until moistened.
5. Coat one loaf pan with cooking spray. Pour the batter into the loaf pan.
6. Bake at 350° for 50 minutes to 1 hour, or until a wooden pick inserted in center of the bread comes out clean.
7. Allow the bread to cool in the pan for 5 minutes. Remove the bread and cool completely on a wire rack.

Yield: 1 loaf, 10 servings, 100 calories per serving

I did it.

I've cut off everyone who is close to me who can hurt me. I thought I was done but when K sided with someone I hate instead of me hurt like a bitch. I guess I expected his loyalty. I put my trust in him. It was a big mistake. I put back up my wall. It felt nice not having to suffer through the winds of passion. I love to cause others to be buffeted by the winds they crave so deeply. Well that is my last tie. Left by my father disowned by my Mother. Nothing left now but to survive and stride make them turn over in their graves.

Things I say to myself

Last night we received a notice that my friend was missing in action. We were all told about it together. The girls wailed and clinged to each other the boys resorted to anger. I looked away than I just left the room. I had some summer homework that I started to work on. That's when M came in and yelled at me. He asked me how I could be so cold. How I could not react to it. How can I let it not affect me because N (guy who committed died) was closest to me. He than fell to his knees and started to sob asking me how I keep it together. It made me think of some ways to keep it together. I would never tell him it, but I'll tell you guys. Sort of the saying "give a man a mask to hide behind and he'll tell the truth". Anyway here they are!
When Shit hits the fan or I feel like breaking down this is what I do
Things I say to myself,
Everything is going to work out
Keep going
If you step down now you can never get back up
No one will ever see you the same way
Stay strong
Your better than this
Get up
What would happen if someone could see through your eyes, what would they think?
It's a play your an actress don't fall from character
Stand your ground
Survive Today- I have this written into my left ankle
Things I do,
Smile
Laugh
if I'm about to cry I press my tongue to the roof of my mouth
imagine how "Sempurna" would react
When I feel like giving up,
Write on this blog
Listen to music
Tell myself if I get through this set I'll never have to do one again
One of my favorite songs is never good enough by Rachel Ferguson

Day 10- long

I know I keep saying I'll edit the post and I don't but that's because I'm still VERY lazy. Sorry guys I'll work on that. I don't know if I write this blog more for the people I think read it or more for me. I write these messages now as more of a recap, a reassurance that what I was going through is real. It makes it seem saner and less hectic on paper.

Today was especially awful. I got into a fight with my mom and reopened the cut on my wrist. I have simple pattern on the inside of my left wrist I trace over and over. I also write words in my skin. I don’t think I could do it without the sense of completion that comes after writing the word or retracing the symbol. It would be too easy for me to keep going. My skin sometimes seems to beg to be split open. I have such an urge for it. It always happens in the worst of times.

When I pull off my covers I wander, who cares? Who would care if I cut myself? I thought about this for awhile. Ran through each person I knew imagining how they would react to the news. I came to a realization that nobody knows me well enough to actually be surprised by the news. I realized I had pushed away the last person I trusted, K. I guess that is good. I’m alone now. I have no one else. It’s an interesting feeling. It feels like I’m set free. No one will pay for my actions. No one’s life will be ruined if mine ended. It’s liberating. I feel less scared. I have nothing lose and everything to gain.

I feel like I need to start working again. I have taken a long enough break so the fallowing post will be the new schedule for this week. I’ll have a week of vacation tell I start strong. Today I’m fasting and so far so good. I have done a detox bath and I am feeling better than normal but it is hard for me to keep refusing people to go places.

Day 9

Weight you confuse me. ok I'm 137.8 and this is pissing me off. I'm just hanging out above my first goal weight. I woke up at about 11:34 feeling sick still. I should start working out again that is the only way I'll ever get better. The 16 is when I'll start because I'll have no more obligations until the 20 to the 27. I can't believe June is almost gone! The summer is 1/3 gone and I haven't done shit. I need to get on the ball.

I'm trying to get more followers on this blog. I know big surprise. I think I'll try to boost my tumblr more and than I'll link these two up. I'm not very good at tumblr but it's ok. Ya I get 500 calories today! I think I'm going to.. I don't know I'm not hungry right now. Surprise right?

Thinspo

Day 8

Good Morning ladies and gents! How are you today. I am in a great mood. I woke up alot earlier than normal so my weight was heavier than I expected. 138.4 1.6 pound increase. That made me sad :( I'll edit this post and tell you how my day was. Right now I'm feeling pretty sick so I don't know how it's going to turn out.

 I slept well last night. I had a great dream. I can't help but wounder if it had something to do with me writing this blog right before I went to bed. Anyway I dreamed I was a little kid and I was on a swim team. This guy was also on the team and kept pulling on my swim suite and stuff. Than there was this really big kid that got into my lane the same time as the guy challenged me to a race. I started swimming and the guy moved in front of me so I crashed into him than into the other guy. Anyway than there was a dark screen and I was swimming as a teenager. The other guy in teenager form stepped into my lane but this time I stood up and he hugged me I kissed either sides of his face and he kissed mine. The coach called everyone up to the platform and told the guy and me "You guys are getting worse" Which of course made both of us smile and him rap his arm around me.The rest of the swim practice was us swimming laps and  racing against each other. Every time there was a break we would be together. It was an amazing dream that I was pulled out of by the rude screeching of an alarm clock.

If your wondering how I hide my self harm scars the answer is, I wear swim bottoms for the ones on my thighs, bracelets and anklets for my wrist and ankles that's really all you can do.

I have 400 calories today so i'll try to work with it. 

Day 7

Hey guys!. Today was 300 calories. So I had a piece of banana bread and half a bowl of soup averaging about 289 calories. Not to shaby if I do say so myself. Well I went tubing which was fun, but an upcoming trip to see my distant family is starting to stir up bad memories. I found myself at the mercy of the knife again. This time words! Oh it was my thigh. Really high up. I'll stop cutting but right now it's my only release. The only time I let myself think of my life, the only time I let myself be weak. I'll kill the part of me that wants to be like that. Just not today not until all the rest of the unperfect parts are gone.  I'll kill her last. I'm so tiered. I've been baby sitting this 18 year old boy for the last two days and tomorrow I'm taking him out again. Lets hope I don't get sunburned this time ;). I think I might want a relationship/ Like an honest to god relationship. Wait what the hell am I thinking. I'm not going to put myself out there. I should up date my idea of perfection list. I'm going to be honnest with you guys. Sometimes I do feel like killing myself especially when I think of a bad memory. Well I guess that's enough of my whining Good night guys.

Stats

I saw this on another Pro ana blog so I'll post it too! I'm 5' 7" UGW 99 HW 142.4 LW 132.2. Well this is about it. I'm female and ya....

Day five

Well I woke up at 12:00 because I was up late last night. I don't know what happened. I wanted to feel again. I grab the razor and recut the design on my wrist. It felt great. It seems like i'm either cutting myself or stuffing my face. One of the longest stretches I've ever had with out cutting ended last night. I also binged and gained 1.8 pounds. Ya that'ts right I'm 139.2. I can't believe it! God I feel so sick with myself.  I can't dwell on this to much. I have a pool party to go to and I need clever ways to hid my SF scars. Today I have 100 calories. So i'm not going to eat anything until later tonight where I'll have.. I don't know maybe I just won't eat today. I know I deserve it. Well happy Friday everyone.

Day four!

Hey guys! I down 3 Lb! I'm super happy and honestly I haven't been working out much. Ok I'm currently 137.4 -1 Lb! I did a couple of test on my scale too see if it was working and it was!! Oh god I totally bidged today I knwo tomarrow the scale is going to go up

Day three

Hey guys! Well my cuts are healing up really well. Some of them look pretty cool so I wan them to turn into scars. Ok so today i have 300 calories to work with and i think I'll do something like this,
Breakfast Bread 90 turkey 50
Lunch Soup 80
Apple 50
oh my weght is 138.4 so 1.2 Lbs!

Things I'm giving up

I figured out that I'll ground myself tell I make a certain goal so things I'm going to give up;
T.V.
Pokemon
Xbox (Except for Zoomba)
Nail Polish
Sleeping in
Movies
FaceBook
Internet (Besides Blogger and Tumblr)
Skype
Video Games
Hunter
texting for more than 30 minutes durring any time besides 8:00-8:30
Alright guys I'm going to try and hold myself to thease standards

Day two

So yesterday went pretty well and today's another 500 calorie day . So here is what I'm eating
Milk 110
Banna 110
Apple 45
Bread 90
CHicken 60
Soup 80
total 495
I weighed 139.8 today that's -1 pounds
Hey guys sorry for the little to no info. Well I had captain's practice today.  That was about it for physical exercise. Tomorrow is when all the wok starts! I'll keel you posted

Day One

I get 500 calories which by the way is alot.
So I woke up late but, I've kind of went to bed late and anyway it's 12:01 so I sort of ruined one of my goals but I can still do the other three. i've been planning my wardrobe and I need to get my quarters cleaned anyway. Ok so here is the POD
1200-1300 shower and changer
1300-1330 Bathroom
1330-1430 Barracks
1430-1730 Living room
1730-1930 Room
Laundry will be thrown in there where I see fit
I'm 140.2 today

Perfection, my definition, don't need to read

not perverted
Doesn't talk about dating boys
doesn't swear
Answer mysteriously
doesn't talk about parrents
Doesn't talk about feelings
Doesn't talk about past
Spend free time training
Doesn't give up
Eat less calories than I burn
Get straight A's
Participae in class
Doesn't talk in class
Study two hours every day
I say what I mean
I don't bitch or nag
Idon't insult people
I'm brave
I'm not afraid of anything
I don't stand still
I have manners
I control my emotions
I seem care free
I keep my face emotionless or i have a smirk on my face

My Pledge

I pledge to always be sempurna 

I pledge my loyalty to the wind 

I pledge to be fearless and laugh in the face of danger 

I pledge to be ruthless to my enemies and loyal to my allies 

I pledge to take every opportunity I get and face any challenge 

I pledge to never show weakness to never cry, wince, or back down 

I pledge to use never subcome to sloth 

I pledge to never waste a second 

I pledge to be mysterious, tough, strong, and never speak of my failures 

I pledge to never  back down to always be number one 

I pledge to always run and never shy away from any adventure 

I pledge to take the funnest path possible and to always smile when possible 

I pledge to complete every order with no error 

I pledge to participate in everything and never be scared of getting hurt

I pledge to always appear confident and to never admit defeat

I pledge to collapse everyday soaked in sweat, blood, and tears.

I am Sempurna and I pledge to be perfect. 3

Read me First!

 My Name is WannabeGodess.  This is my journey to perfection. I think people settle for mediocre too much and I for one am guilty of it. I am not only trying to cast out my bad traits, but I'm am trying to strengthen my good ones. Any flaw I think I have I will correct. That is my Pledge.  The extended version of my Pledge will be posted after this one. I am very far from being perfect. My journey will take me four years. I decided to start doing this, because I would often lie about a false me to my friends and family. I realized I hatted myself and I was all talk. I began to become the person that I tried to avoid. I decided to become the person I told stories about. I didn't want to be "ordinary" anymore. Ordinary gets forgotten. I wasn't to be the person other people tell stories about. I wanted to be the person with an amazing tale behind every scar. I made a list of what I wanted to be and now I'm setting out to be that person. One day at a time. All I need to do is survive one day at a time.

I would love it if you want to join me. This whole thing started when I first became anorexic. It was one of the first time I tried to better myself. I fell off that wagon though. I didn't know how or why I just did. This blog is here to keep me honest and motivated. I hope you enjoy the writing I will not post any lies. 

ABC Diet

For those of you who don't know what the ABC Diet is here is what it looks like. 

Day 1: 500 calories (or less)

Day 2: 500 calories (or less)

Day 3: 300 calories

Day 4: 400 calories

Day 5: 100 calories

Day 6: 200

Day 7: 300 calories

Day 8: 400 calories

Day 9: 500 calories

Day 10: FAST

Day 11: 150 calories

Day 12: 200 calories

Day 13: 400 calories

Day 14: 350 calories

Day 15: 250 calories

Day 16: 200 calories

Day 17: FAST

Day 18: 200 calories

Day 19: 100 calories

Day 20: FAST

Day 21: 300 calories

Day 22: 250 calories

Day 23: 200 calories

Day 24: 150 calories

Day 25: 100 calories

Day 26: 50

Day 27: 100 calories

Day 28: 200 calories

Day 29: 200 calories

Day 30: 300 calories

Day 31: 800 calories

Day 32: FAST

Day 33: 250 calories

Day 34: 350 calories

Day 35: 450 calories

Day 36: FAST

Day 37: 500 calories

Day 38: 450 calories

Day 39: 400 calories

Day 40: 350 calories

Day 41: 300 calories

Day 42: 250 calories

Day 43: 200 calories

Day 44: 200 calories

Day 45: 250 calories

Day 46: 200 calories

Day 47: 300 calories

Day 48: 200 calories

Day 49: 150 calories

Day 50: FAST 

Day: 0

Alright today is sunday and as you may already know the ABC diet is normaly done one Monday. I am going to fallow this trend and I will also be working on some of my goals A B F X Z. Which are, Completed ABC diet (No binges), Work out everyday for an hour for three weeks, Run a mile everyday Two weeks, fallow schedule for 1 week, and Bad Habit T two weeks.

Goals and rewards

Letter	Goal	Reward
A	Work out everyday for an hour for three weeks	Pokemon cheat book
B	Completed ABC diet (No binges)	New Wardrobe 100$
C	No fat for a week	Skype
D	No sugar for two weeks	Day out with friends
E	No meat for a month	Shirt at café press
F	Run a mile everyday Two weeks	Day w/ friends
G	Run two miles everyday Two weeks	Phone use
H	Keep room clean for 1 week!	Day spent decorating room
I	Do 6 100 calorie workouts everyday for a month	Cake and Ice cream
J	Don't Do bad habit P for two weeks	12 case of diet Dr. Pepper
K	Don't Do bad habit L for two weeks	Day off with friends
L	Don't do Bad habit C for two weeks	Diablo  three
M	Eat only natural foods 3 weeks	Day of playing Diablo three
N	Get 135 Lb	ring
O	Get 130 Lb	Day hiking w/ dog
P	Get 125 Lb	Phone use
Q	Get 120 Lb	Facebook
R	Get 115 Lb	New purse
S	Get 110 Lb	Weekend off
T	Get 105 Lb	Free Day
U	G1t 100 Lb	New work out bag
V	Complete Navy work out	New work out outfit
W	Complete Double Navy work out	Weekend camping
X	fallow schedule for 1/2/3/4/5 weeks	10/20/30/40/50 dollars free money
Y	Bad Habit G two weeks	Pokemon Day
Z	Bad Habit T two weeks	Pokemon book